R. Kelly released after revealing he was just one of Ghislaine Maxwell’s clients

NEW YORK, NY – Just days after being sentenced to 30 years in prison, R. Kelly walked free this morning after discovering that he was in fact one of Ghislaine Maxwell’s clients, and therefore protected from all consequences of his actions.

“We are so, so sorry for the embarrassment we have caused Mr. Kelly,” lead prosecutor Dean Baker said. “We remain deeply committed to protecting the identities of the powerful men who used Ms. Maxwell’s services to sexually abuse minors. We apologize to Mr. Kelly for this mistake and have booked him a pleasant trip to an island private as a reward.”

Although grateful for his quick release, Mr Kelly reportedly intends to sue the state. “Yes, I have absolutely participated in the sex trafficking and abuse of young women for decades,” Kelly said in a statement. “But hey, we all agreed to pretend that Ms Maxwell didn’t sell girls to ‘anyone’. Since I’m one of her clients, the state was never supposed to reveal my identity and ruin my reputation .”

Mr Kelly had avoided telling prosecutors about his connection to Ms Maxwell because his knowledge of the names in her book would put him at risk. “Obviously the people on that list have the power to take you out if they think you might talk,” Mr Kelly said. “That’s why I’m getting on a plane right now and leaving the country.”

At the time of publication, Mr Kelly was seen on board a private jet with a pilot named Hill RE Clintonovich.

Satan held a press conference today in response to the great loss of Roe v. Wade. He does his best to hold his head high.

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